Valentines - More appropriately titled me, Single's Awareness Day. :) Woh. Freaking. Hooo. I know, I know, curb my enthusiasm! :) Instead of writing an entry that is either so whiney and obnoxious, or dreamy and romantic it would make us all want to puke and/or give me a high five in the FACE, I will find some middle ground between the two just now. :)
I don't think it's a big secret that I would be so glad to be married, or at least be in a relationship headed that direction. I also don't think it's a secret that I'm a hopeless romantic. Like probably to a fault. I am a HUGE sucker for mush and gush. Actually I basically wear my heart on my sleeve so not only am I pretty convinced that both of those aren't secrets - just the opposite, I'm pretty sure lots of people get that this is basically common knowledge.
I'm 24. And I've never even had so much as a hint of a mutual interest. (That I know of. I suppose it's possible that the handful guys I had at one time convinced myself I should marry were secretly, madly in love with me and I'm just dense... :) ) Nothing on the pulse of a romantic life. I would be lying if i said Satan hasn't ever used this aspect of my life to play with my insecure nature. Questions like "What am I missing?" "What's wrong with me?" "What is the secret pass code into this apparently highly exclusive clubhouse?" and "GOD WOULD YOU PLEASE DO SOMETHING HERE!?!" have all screamed in my mind.
I suppose the thing I dislike most about being single is that sometimes I simply feel alone. I know, I get it. Lets all act surprised that Mayor of ExtrovertVille hates feeling lonely. :) But I do feel lonely sometimes, and it once in a while hurts even physically, like real pain in my actual person. Oh, deep in the core of who I am, I know I am never alone. I know that Christ lives in me, ever present. He constantly, loves to bless me and gives good gifts and brings me from glory to glory. And I am thankful for that.
I guess another thing that I have a hard time dealing with is that there is a lot of insecurity and I guess a rejection by default that I feel. It would seem that you're apparently not even worth anyone even getting to know you well enough to find out if they want you. You weren't rejected because somebody thought you were worth getting to know, got to know you and found you wanting. It would seem they found you wanting before they even got to know you. Completely passed up...as if there's some sort of warning "SHES CRAZY -- STAY AWAY!" sign on you. So what would that say if they actually would get to know you? Probably they'd find you wanting even MORE. Wow. I think that sounded pretty harsh. Hm. I guess lots of times it feels about that harsh. But again: I know that it doesn't matter what other people say of me. Christ sees me as good enough for Him. He approves. He did not waste time in what he creates, or who He died to ransom. I am not trying to win a man's approval anyways, not when I have the Son of Man's. I truly do want to live for the Audience of One. But oh, WOW approval of BOTH would be great!
A third struggle is keeping my focus on Christ. It's so incredibly easy for me to dream about an earthly love, protector, provider, romancer, completer yada yada blahhh. And what do I do when I think of that? Take Christ of His throne in my heart, and put some man who I don't even think I've ever even met on it! I assume my eventual, hopeful, husband will have some sort of Messiah complex and everything will be perfect. UH! HELLO Lindy! NewsFlash!! Christ is the only man who is able to satisfy, perfectly love and complete you! I will marry an awesome guy, but that man will let me down. He is not GOD! He is not perfect, he was simply created out of the overflow of God's love and dust just like I! He will be incredible, Christ-like, and quality, but NOT flawless. Get it!
The Enemy loves to play all sorts of mental games with me. He's so pathetic...not to mention relentless.
I really didn't say all that to get pity. I actually don't really want pity at all. I say that to be real, and give an idea of the depth of the sadness singleness can bring, as a testimony.
Because I want to testify that even with struggles to take thoughts captive, find contentment, worth and wholeness, I can testify I have come out on top. Why? Because I have no regrets. I truly do find a deep satisfaction in Christ, even when questions or battles are painful. He is there. And I am freed, and loved in absurd abundance by Him. I can testify that I know the kind of guy I'm looking for, and when I do meet him, I will be so blissful that I can offer all of me with much health and wholeness in every aspect of who I am. No I'm not perfect, I have scars and scrapes. But I am healthy. And (here's the part that really excites me, oh -- I smile big) I know the kind of guy I'm looking for and because I know who he is (without knowing which ONE he is....I still know who he is... his heart and character)and because Christ is SO generously satisfying, I know I would rather continue to enjoy life with Christ single than settle for anyone else besides who He has for me. :) Because even if I don't meet or marry anyone for 15 more years when I do one day, I will know they were SO! TOTALLY! WORTH! IT! :)That's why I smile. :)
I also have to be honest and balanced and see the side that (if were all honest) is really great about being single. I can think of ME. Not in a selfish way, but a me-and-God way. I can do what God is asking ME to do, and go for it without having to double check with anyone else. I have very little ties. I have my own dreams and goals and calls God has given me and I'm able to go for them without distraction of a man. I can go back to school. I have no husband or kids, so when my bosses ask if they can change my schedule or pick up hours (a constant thing) 9 times out of 10, I'm down. I can travel. To a huge extent I am untied from much of the responsibility many of my friends and family are not untied from. I can try new things. Broaden my horizons of hobbies, interests and basically do what I enjoy. Much of this would either be absolutely or at high risk of being complicated or sacrificed if I were married. So if I am going to give up all of this fluid-motion and simplicity in my life for somebody one day, you bet I'm going to make sure they are worth it, and willing to do the same!
I have seen love, and I know what love looks like even though I have never been in love with a man besides Christ. I will not settle. I have seen love in my family. I've seen my dad show a love Christ has for my mom. I've seen my brothers support and love Holli and Jordyn in ways that I'm proud of. My dad once had me conspire with him to surprise my mom with 30 roses on their 30th anniversary. When Craig proposed to Holli, he spent that entire day of the engagement prepping for that night spelling out his proposal in twinkle lights in my parents field, which they would fly over that night. Brian once had me help him pick out all the white and red gummy bears to send in a care package to Jordyn when she was away because the red and white ones were Jo's favorites. (My thank you was getting to share the rest with Bri :) ) My point being, when you LOVE somebody, you will look for ways to act on it. And I have seen what its liked to be loved well by somebody. In many ways, I've experienced what it's like to be loved well by somebody, just not romantically. So I will not settle for less. It won't be a perfect love. But it will be quality. It will be an example to others, the kind of love I plan to share with a man crazy enough to agree to marry me. It will be deep and good and hopefully inspire others. So yeah, I won't be settling and I find it worth waiting for twinkle lights, 30 roses and gummy bears. :) Not when I already have the most expensive love I could dream up in Christ. And that love of Christ will get just a little richer when I find a man...total icing on the cake. :)
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