My Anything.

I just recently finished reading Jennie Allen's Anything, and I'm still processing it. And this is my place of processing.  This is me unpacking the aftermath that has been left by Anything.  It's a beautiful, but complex mess.

In the book, Jennie (I feel like we're now on first name basis after being allowed an inside scoop to such a personal journey!) basically gives her testimony of how God has taken her to a place of complete willingness to do whatever He asks, from a place of comfort, unawareness and even apathy. And her story has been messing with me. Big time. In good ways though. But good wasn't always promised to be painless was it? Growing pains, yeah? 

I guess this prayer is kinda my response to Anything. Anything is all about submission, willingness and giving God an unquestioned green light at any time for any reason. Anything is about being soft in God's hands, responsive and up for...well...anything.

I'll be honest, even as the core of who I am burns and starves to be apart of something like that, the shallow part of me, my flesh, is kicking and screaming. My flesh is in agony, complete distress and terror. Because that's what death usually feels like, I guess. But my Spirit? It has peace. The idea and desire of anything goes straight to my core. Deep calls out to deep and I know it's what I was made for. Because that's what LIFE feels like, I suppose. Perfect Love casts out all fear- except for only one thing: what my life would look like and the regrets I'd have if I didn't allow God anything. 

I ask for your accountability as I pray this prayer, and even if you're game to consider praying it with me. It's hard. There's death involved. But I've found more life than death, and that it's the only way worth living.

                                          

 

Father, 

You know it's been the deepest desire You've given me for a long time to pursue an attitude and posture of obedience to You. Live life with open hands. That desire is my root, it keeps be grounded and guided. And I need those roots, that's for sure.

You know as well as I do though, that my desire to do anything scares me. To death. Because I'm so scared of the unknown. I have no idea what You might ask, and quite frankly You have quite a track record for asking me to do some pretty random, off the cuff and unanticipated things. Not that I have a huge issue with that because I end up loving the assignments You give me anyways. But what about the times when I eventually won't like my assignments? The unpredictability exhausts and is like torture to my flesh. Because in my flesh, I desire comfort, stability, and safety. Honestly, in my flesh, I want the American Dream. In my flesh, I want to feed my idols that let me be comfortable, moderate, earthly, and materialistic in my living. In my flesh, I want my only concern to be pleasing myself and those I care about. In my flesh, I want to look out for number one. It's disgusting, I know.

But in You, my Spirit wants something completely different - something better. In You, I want a life lived without waste, revolving around things that matter and last beyond this life. In you, I want to live for the next life starting NOW. In You, I want to throw safety, comfort, and inhibitions away. In You, I acknowledge that the unknown scares me. But one of the only things that scares me worse is the consequences of living an ineffective life all for myself. What scares me worse than being recklessly abandoned to You is the regret I know I'd never get over if I didn't live that way. And that, combined with knowing that You are Good makes me brave to the unknown. In You, I understand that any control I have is an illusion, and safety is just a myth. What I want worse than a selfish American life is to know You. Nothing else fulfills like You. Lord, to whom else, what else will I go? What I really want is to live for something- no, Someone bigger than myself. What I really want is You. What I really want is to live a life so outrageously, supernaturally empowered by Your Spirit that people from the outside looking in ask how I'm doing it, and You are my only answer. What I really want is to live in such a way that my life is impossible except for Your Spirit. I want a life depending on You to constantly perform miracles in my life. And my Spirit cries out for that, even when it gets painful. And I know it will. But I'm not alone, so I have nothing to fear. 

So right now guess I feel like I'm Queen Lucy, in the Wardrobe, one foot in what's familiar and the other in the place I truly belong to and was made for. Heaven is my Narnia, and You are my Aslan. And Aslan,You are good, but You are no tame lion. You are not safe. No, You are the, wild, unpredictable Lion of Judah. And I'm realizing that that means I should be no tame follower. Reckless, relentless, Heaven-focused. If there's one thing You've made absolutely clear, it's that there is no moderate, completely unoffensive, comfortable way to follow You. 

I want Heaven to be my reality now. I want Heaven to affect how I act, react and think. I want to live in full awareness of others needs - their ultimate need being You. I want You to give me Your heart, eyes and serving hands. So I'm bracing myself for a broken heart, tear-stained eyes and dirty hands since that's how Christ lived. I want to put my money where my mouth is, not just talk about how awesome Heaven is, and how things really don't matter here on earth. I want to live like I believe that. I want my money, my time, my words, my attitudes, thoughts and actions to reflect that. I want to trust that living that way is storing up treasures in Heaven, even when it's hard work here on Earth. I'm preparing for Harvest. I can be patient. So I invite You. Get in my business. Make me uncomfortable. Challenge me. Change me. Teach me through pain.Do what You gotta do to make me more like You and extract the most glory from my life.

God, above all else, please continue to save me from myself. Please, don't let me get away with moderation. If I dare try to, I beg You to absolutely drop-kick me all the way back to Your Throne of Grace. Give me urgency. Daily remind me and reignite in me the reality that this is my one life, and I better bring my a-game. I know I will fail, continue to grow, get distracted and learn the rest of my life. I'm okay with failing and falling down, because I'm human. All I ask is that You pick me up, restore me, dust me off and refuse to leave me like I was. 

I love You. I love who You are and what You've done for me. But beyond that, I'm determined to trust. Because deep in my core I trust who You are and what You've done. So yeah, I guess I'm in the place I can honestly tell You I'm up for it. I guess I have been for a while, probably. But now, I'm publicly documenting it and there's no turning back. Anything. I'm all in. I love You, teach me and give me guts to trust and love You better.



With a soaring Spirit and breaking flesh, I'm in.