What not to Say to your Single Friends

Single-phobia. I honestly think it's one of the worst epidemics of our time. With it comes an identity crisis, streak of insecurity, and some pretty raunchy idolatry. It's in our society everywhere. We as a culture are so obsessed with "not being alone" and "finding love" that we come up with movies like He's just not that into you and How To Loose a Guy in 10 Days  (which I love for the record!) and TV series like The Bachelor. (No judgement here, trust me. I've got my guilty pleasures too! Mine's just happens to be Grey's Anatomy so I prefer my drama, unrealistic expectations and highly flawed presentation of true love being set in the OR with blood and guts everywhere. I know I know. Planks in our own eyes, first, shall we?) 

But really, what is it at the root that we're afraid of?  Because we are. Why do we avoid singleness? Because we do. Why have we somehow, on some weird level been convinced that there are few things worse than singleness? In short, I think it's because our culture lacks a healthy perspective and value of singleness.

Most of us have probably found ourselves in the place of trying to encourage a friend who is struggling with the difficult aspects of singleness. Because I won't pretend they don't exist. There are hard things about being single. Just like there's hard things about being married. So here are some ideas I'm going to just shoot out about what encouragement does and doesn't help. (Please don't take any offense. Because even as a single person, I've been guilty of employing  a few of these at attempts of encouragement! This is just me taking a step back, evaluating what's genuinely helpful and has substance. Separating the wheat from the shaft, if you will.) So here we go. And by the way, these are all things friends or I have actually been told. 

So here goes. 


 
What NOT to Say to Your Single Friends:

1 - "What are you doing single still?!?! Uh, you're amazing!" 
Why it's not helpful: I get the great intentions of these types of comments. However. This doesn't exactly restore ones faith in humanity. I've come to the conclusion that apparently there are just two reasons somebody is telling me this - you're lying to make me feel better about myself or the general male human population doesn't have half a brain and can't see a good thing in front of them. Either way, something's wrong with somebody, and it's not optimistic. 
What is helpful: "I see _________________ qualities in you, and God uses that part of who you are to bless so many people in _______________ ways." This is speaking affirmation and truth. Marriage is left out of the equation, and it highlights your gifts and ways that God's created and can use you. With or without a spouse.

2 - "Soooooo is there somebody special?!" 
Why it's not helpful: Because, honestly, if there were somebody special, I (along with many other people I think) probably would've told you  if I wanted you to know. Shoot, depending on the setting, I may have brought them with me to introduce to you if I only knew who they were.
What is helpful: "How is work?" "How is school going?" "How is ministry?" "How is your family?" "You went where!?!? No way! Amazing! How was it?!" "Aren't nephews and nieces the best, EVER?!" "What are you reading lately?" "What's God been teaching you recently?" Or fill in the blank with tons of other very applicable questions and conversation starters. Frankly, from what I see, we all kinda get "old and boring" when we settle down and have families, so lots of single people actually have more active and interesting lives simply because they have less ties than some married people. (I promise I did NOT mean that as rude as it probably sounded!) But my point being, it's not like there's nothing to talk about with singles, just because we don't have one thing in comon. Let's talk about what God's doing in life now, not about what hasn't happened yet. Can we please? Thanks. 

3 - "You just won't _____ until you get married....."
Why it's not helpful: This is not to say that there aren't things people just simply won't understand or see till they enter into another season of life. Of course this is true. Experience tuly is the one of best teachers. But, especially depending on the tone, it can quickly make singles feel less-than - like we've just been belittled and don't have something as an individual to offer to the table. I get what are probably pure intentions of encouraging and explaining how exclusive some things are to marriage. But, this adds to the feeling that there's a secret password to the cool kids club that we're just not being told. 
What is helpful: Talking about how some seasons just teach certain lesons, and not attaching any hierarchy to those lessons or seasons. God has amazing blessings in all seasons and life is full of balance.

4 - "I'm so much happier married than single, and just it's so much easier being married."
Why it's not helpful: Because you're lying. That's why it's not helpful. I don't care who you are. It's not always easier and it's not always happier. Try telling that to me when you're trying not to strangle each other over financial, parenting, or pet-peeve or spiritual conflicts. 
What is helpful: Saying something like "I love being married. It's amazing, and I wouldn't change it. But there really is balance  and give and take in all the seasons of life we walk through. You can't have it all at once. It all circles back to contentment. If you're not happy single, you won't be happy married. If life isn't simple and easy single, it won't be simple and easy married." It's completely honest.

5 - "I'm so glad I'm not single any more!"
Why it's not helpful: If you're not careful with how you say and present it, it also adds to the less-than, patronizing, "you don't get our secret password" feeling. 
What is helpful: "I'm really thankful I'm married. I've grown so much, and have come so far and am better for the lessons God's taught me through my marriage. At the end of the day, I would still rather be married even on the bad days than be single on the best days." It puts the focus on what God's done in your life. 




What are we so afraid of as singles? Being alone and isolated. Being the tag-along. Being seen as less-than. Not measuring up and being found wanting. And these fears are triggered with pretty much each of the above. But think about it, aren't most of these just fears anyone -single or married- faces? Exactly. So can we all please agree to stop demonizing singleness and idolizing marriage? Jesus alone can fully and perfectly love a soul. There is so much beauty and so much growth to behold and experience in single years. We need God to heal our vision and allow us restore our view of singleness to a place of high value. There is just as much life, reward, fulfillment, romance and excitement in one as the other. God isn't limited in the love, richness, life, adventure, sweetness, and beauty He can pour into you life based on your marital status. Let's not do that to ourselves.