So. By the end of the service I'm feeling highly convicted. Warning and disclosure: you're about to read about the full, gross extent and exposure of my pride. So feel free to judge me, all I ask is that you judge yourself also. Because, here's my problem: somewhere so deep in me on a mostly subconscious level, I genuinely believe I'm better than you are. I believe I'm more kind, patient and giving than almost everyone. Except for maybe if you're like, I dunno.....the Apostle Paul or Mother Theresa.
A huge part of me thinks I'm not as bad off as almost everyone else. Part of me thinks that I did something.....maybe not exactly to earn God's love since I obviously know better than that, but maybe to deserve His wrath less and be more worthy of His blessing and and being allowed into His presence. There's obviously a huge flaw in this: Pride.
The reality is that my sins look different and may be less obvious and more "socially acceptable" and less "taboo". But it's no different than anyone else. It still separates me from God and still cost Jesus His life. My sin is less about how it affects me and others and more about how it affects God. Which means it caused a wedge that cost Christ His life to restore.
It's like my teeth. So, some of you know, I'm missing and in the process of having implants for my two upper front teeth. (Did you know when Mom tells you as a little kid not to run in the house, she has a good reason and wasn't saying that just to hear her own voice?! Even if your brother was chasing you. Trust me, the fall on the table will do worse to you than your brother. He'd never (intentionally) cause you permanent damage. But a table isn't that nice. So! Not worth it. Lindy: 0 - Table: 2. One for each tooth.) So, until I have my permanent implants, my dentist and oral surgeon and their staff are pretty much like family and my best friends right now. I've worn a small collection of retainers that could fool me if I weren't the one wearing them. Anyways every once in a while I cross paths with somebody who has missing teeth as well. Somehow I (here's where the insanely gross level of pride comes in) often feel superior and more together than they are. Even though we have the freaking exact same thing going on! Even though they've had some type of pain or issue in life hit them in the same spot. Even though they are weak, insecure and guarded over the same problem. Maybe even seeing the same Doctors to get help and fix their problems for all I know. And yet some how I judge them and feel superior that I've been blessed with a decent job and insurance that's helped pay for some help from top-notch Doctors and good-looking retainers. I feel superior just because my issue and past trauma is covered up. Oh my gosh?! Where do I even get off and why God refuses to give up on me I'll never know!
So I'm done. I'm yanking out my "retainer", my crutches that make things look prettier than they are. My problems, brokenness and sin killed Christ just like yours did. He didn't die for me a little less than you. As if my sin required a little less of His precious blood to cover up and attone for than yours. There's no hierarchy or pecking order to the levels of offensiveness to my sin. It killed Christ and that's offensive, barbaric and heinous enough.
So. I'm asking Jesus to keep me humble. I'm asking Him to never let me loose sight of who He is, who I am, and who I have been and where I would be without him. Because it's a really dark, isolated as scary place without Him. I'm asking Jesus to show me how ugly my sin is so that I can be more be a more compassionate an effective ambassador of His Grace.
Thanks Jesus for your Grace and for never giving up up on me. Thanks for your mercy and for your outlandish patience. I'm unworthy but thanks for not caring about that.
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