Reflections of Lent

Every year, around this time, I become very contemplative. The gospel comes alive in another way to me, and I have no place to hide. 

There I am. Faced with my sin. Once again reminded of who I am. I'm Judas- the betrayer, all too willing to trade what Christ offers for the comforts and ease of this world. I'm Peter- priding myself on my ferocious, steadfast loyalty, and making beautiful and admirable promises. But in the heat of the moment I'll choke on my fear and anxiety, then hate myself for the foreseeable future. I'm the Centurian- the one who ruthlessly, with a twisted mix of pleasure, hate, rebellion and clalouse actually tourtures Christ to death. 

So I see myself for who I truly am, and feel sick. Totally nauseated at the depth that I've sunk to. I'm actually physically queasy and jittery after writing that. 

And then, the most redeeming thing happens: I see Christ for who He is. I see Him look me dead in the eye at my betrayal with nothing but passion. The kind of passion that you can't ignore, and the kind that drives you to action. I feel His all encompassing forgiveness fall on me like rain in a drought at my most horrifying denial. I hear Him pray for my forgiveness and healing when I scorn Him as He's hanging on the cross- THAT I NAILED HIM TO. 

Suddenly I'm not quite sure which is more shocking and wrecks me worse: who I am, or how loved I am in spite of who I am? And I'm still unsure if the greater miracle is that He's some how loved me at my extreme worst or brought me out of that? Or that He was willing to die for me? Or that He dealt death the death blow? I would say conquering death is the greater miracle, but I know my heart and what I've been capable of. 

As passion week is upon us, I'm refreshed, humbled and feel like I can breathe again. I hope you fee the same way. Because you are loved. By somebody who dared to die for you to prove it. Somebody who pursued us relentlessly and would not accept no for an answer. Somebody who's love is greater than your hate, courage stronger than your fear, and tenacity will not be dissuaded. You are loved. Like it or not. Believe it or not. But please do. Because it's really the only way to make sense out of this ridiculous we call life.