Confessions of a Recovering Extremist and Perfectionist.

I've just started a new thing. A study called She Reads Truth. It's an app that's basically an electronic devotional and thoughts for the day. This particular study is about Lent. It's been good. Remarkably good, actually. There's a line from the second day's devotional from last week that keeps on haunting me. 

"Lord, even my repentance is broken. Help me." 

Because, oh my gosh. Has this lady been listening to my prayers and reading my mind?!? 

I've been coming to the realization that that the piece to the puzzle (Or one of them anyways. I'm sure I'll find more later. After I've found this one!) that's missing, is that I get paralyzed. Overwhelmed by all the things that need repented of, brought into submission of Christ and I don't even know where to start. To further complicate things, I've also come to the recent (full) realization that I'm kind of an extremist and I actually am a perfectionist. (Some of you probably could have told me this. I obviously, like usual, had to take the long way home and show up a day late and a dollar short. *sarcastic font* I'm super self aware. *switch back to regular font* I've actually kinda known these things to an extent, it's just that I'm realizing the complications they cause and ways they work against me better now.) If I'm gonna go for something I've gotta be all in, and if I'm gonna do something it's got to be my best. 

Not a bad thing, really. 

If it only stopped there. 

But it doesn't. I (being the extremist that I am) have to take it a step further. It's not enough that I start making progress in all the things I'm feeling convicted of and called to change. No, I have to master all of them. Yesterday. Last week, preferably. That's right. Excellence, health and routine established in all the areas of my life. Spiritually, financially, emotionally, professionally, personally and physically. To the fullest extent. Life in general is like a well-oiled machine. And I'm rocking at all of it. All the time. No struggles, failures or bad habits allowed. Messes cleaned up STAT please. 

The mantra must be "B-Game? What's that? I don't even have a B-Game. It's all my A-Game!"

Except for how none of this allows me the room to be....well, human. I have no room for grace at this point.

Now, I know better than this in my mind, so that's why I've never really considered myself a perfectionist. I know in my mind as well as someplace (deep, so deep I'm still struggling to find and tap into this place!) in my core that it's only healthy to allow imperfection. It's only right and fitting to not hold yourself to unrealistic expectations and make room for failure. I don't have to be afraid of failure. Because I don't have to save the world, and I'm not as important as I think I am. I think there's an actual weight that lifts off my shoulders when I really let that sink in!

So, I think what I'm learning so far with Presence and 2015 is that I don't have to succeed at it all all the time. I'm allowed to make small changes. I think that is a piece to the puzzle that I've been missing for far too long. I'm trying to get to the place where I value progress as much as perfection. And I think valuing progress, that means receiving permission to not master it all, but to work on small changes in each area I'm convicted in, so that eventually real change can happen. 

It's a novel idea - being human, really. We don't have to be perfect. We're allowed to struggle and fail. All He asks us is to struggle out of our failures and allow Him to transform and use them as we accept His helping hand out of our messy, broken repentance.

I needed that reminder this week, after feeling like I've been spinning my wheels for entirely too long.

So there you go. My confessions as a perfectionist and extremist.