"Uh...yeah, it is," I replied. I don't think my act even a little bit was convincing, cause I've always been a terrible at lies. My preschool self just hadn't yet arrived at this self-discovery.
"Well....Okay...then here you go..." And my teacher handed me the cup.
The cup wasn't mine at all. And I wasn't lying because I was trying to underhandedly steal something of somebody else's. I was lying because somebody had lost their cup. But nobody was claiming it. And I felt compelled to help the cup get to its owner. So my plan was to take it and before we left church, ask around the rest of my friends who sat with their moms and dads and weren't in Children's Church. Or something like that. Somehow I was going to return this cup to its rightfull owner. I was willing, therefore I was capable. Perfect pre-schooler logic.
Ohhh if only my 5 year old self knew then what I knew now. What a sign of things to come....
Well. I tried finding those friends, and I couldn't so I ended up taking the stupid cup home with me. And my parents wondered where the heck this random cup came from, and upon my explaination, they probably took it back to church and put it in the lost and found or something.
I wasn't capable. I couldn't fix things. I didn't know something my teacher didn't know. And I couldn't complete a challenge without help.
And I repeat again..... Ohhh if only my 5 year old self knew then what I knew now. What a sign of things to come....
Fast forward 20+ years and not much has changed. (OHMYGOSH. Did I really just say "20+ years"?!? Because. That makes me feel SO.FREAKING.OLLDDD. But I digress...) I still have this irresistible compulsion to help people- even to my own detriment. I still HATE seeing people struggle or suffer, and when they do, I HAVE to make people better. I HAVE to do for people- all the things. All the time. I still have a bleeding heart. I still can't hardly even muster the words "No, I can't, I'm sorry..."
I've had an "aha moment" recently and discovered a huge missing piece to the puzzle of my fear and anxiety. Besides being afraid of the future, being afraid of people, and my over active imagination, God's really pinpointed another contributor to my fear and anxiety. Are you ready for a nasty layer of pride? Because it's gross and it has a very specific name. It's called...CODEPENDANCY.
Yep. Just like my preschool self, a huge part of my anxiety and fears are because I'm taking on and internalizing other people's problems. I somehow have the hardest time in walking the very delicate line of weeping with those who weep, but not allowing the causes of our weeping to paralyze me. Because it does. In so many ways I feel completely overwhelmed, defeated and helpless in combatting the crap of this world. There is so much work to do, there's so many prayers to be prayed, so much missing justice to be carried out, so much brokenness that is aching for healing. Sex trafficking. Terrorism. Refugees. Abortion. Orphans. Sweat shops. War. Death. Famine. Disease. Racial tensions. I could go on, but I think I already over made my point as you feel me here. Because my point is about being overwhelmed by the fall and all the crap that never existed before the fall. I legitimately have struggled with some mild depression at moments for no other reason than just the world baring it's weight on me. And I feel like that little kid again, that I have to help just because there's a need and something needs to be restored.
Confession: I have a messiah complex. Well, no I actually DON'T have one, but that has yet to stop me from somehow thinking I do sometimes. (I warned you about the pride right? Cause I'm feeling a bit nauseated just writing this...) The thing is, I don't actually believe I can save the world. *insert sarcasm* Pfttt. That's stupid and I know so much better than that.*end sarcasm* But even though I actually know I can't save the world, I somehow still feel obligated to save it. (Fair warning: You might wanna grab something to puke in by now, because here comes more pride....) I guess it's because I'm the only one who is willing to help. I guess it's because nobody else feels compelled like I do to fix things. Nobody else seems to care about the messes, so I have to. Including God. (Did I warn you?! Because I warned you...)
So I've fallen for the lie that it's all up to me just like my misguided but well meaning, lying 5 year old self.
I'm reminded of my experience at Malibu Club with my Young Life gang this summer. Our week at Malibu was fantastic, and exhausting. It started off exhausting with a combined 20ish hours on bus and ferry rides. After arriving at camp sleep deprived, probably dehydrated, and generally depleted, it was time to finish our first day of camp with an obstacle course. Not just an obstacle course, but a YOUNG LIFE obstacle course that started off with running about a MILE (with a headache-my personal form of cruel and unusual punishment. BUT I WAS ENTHUSIASTIC ANYWAYS.) and had a grand finale which involved your entire cabin jumping into the flipping ocean at 10:30 at night. (Confession: At this point in my life, I DID NOT have nice thoughts towards our Program Crew who dreamt this stuff up...) The next morning, we had an early morning leader meeting for leaders who hadn't lead at Young Life camp before. And the leader who was leading the meeting asked how we were feeling. Coffee makes everything better, but we were all already unanimously SPENT. And he said "Yeaaahh...if you haven't been to Young Life camp before, you'll find you reach the end of yourself pretty quickly...." And we all look at each other like "THAT WAS BEFORE WE EVEN GOT OFF THE BUS!!!!" :) The rest of the week, we leaders were only given snippets of the schedule at each leader meeting. We had no clue what insanity waited us around the corner. (I kinda learned the extent of my inner control freak, as this drove me crazy.)
I spent the rest of the week in this place of vulnerability, complete dependence and The Holy Spirit met me there. He empowered me, gave me energy I didn't have, multiplied my sleep, gave me words, grace and peace. He calmed my heart and kept me grounded that week.
And in life in general, I think I'm coming to the end of myself a lot. I'm being made fully aware of how destructive fear and anxiety is in my life. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to rest. I'm learning to let Him fight for me. So, I'm in an overwhelming season of life right now. Ministry, work, family, friends, church, and making sure I take care of myself. I don't know how I'm going to have the grace, patience, love, energy or fuel to do all that I know I'm called to do. And do it well. But I do know He's good, and He's enough. In all things. It's scary, frustrating, annoying, exciting, exhausting and revitalizing all at once. But I also know where to find the answer. And that's in His presence, and it starts with being still. I'm back to that vulnerable, completely dependent and kinda desperate place- banking on The Spirt to meet me there. It's not exactly comfortable but it's good. Also, I don't remember dying to yourself being comfortable, so I think it's right. And I don't ever want to leave that place.
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