Pharisees Anonymous.

I kinda had an aha moment the other day. Which I hated and loved all at the same time. It goes like this: I have a hard time truly believing God and what His word says. The mind knows all the things; the heart doesn’t feel many of them at all. I’m waking up to the fact that I’ve placed my identity and security in so many things other than The Gospel and my Discipleship to Christ. But even in my distraction, pride and failure, Jesus has been so gracious. I’ve never really considered myself a Pharisee, but Jesus keeps pointing out these similarities between me and the Pharisees. Uhg. Ouch. And how can we fix this?! Because frankly, the fact that I've got some serious common ground with that crowd makes me want to use some words they would never say.

 I guess I identify a lot with the Apostle Paul when he says that he’s “A Jew among Jews….” Because I could make a lot of the same type of claims in the modern sense, and have a lot of the same boxes checked. Grew up in a Christian family. Was Home or Private Schooled. And I see your geeky(but still appreciated…) “You might be a 90’s Kid in Youth Group When…” blog posts, and I raise you Adventures in Odyssey and Brio Magazine. I've always been a "Goody Goody" - toed the lines and followed rules quite well. I never got remotely close to receiving a detention, because my people-pleasing instincts kicked in every time a teacher gave "the look" or called me out on my crap. (Which was enough to make me want to cry...) Yes. I'm THAT kid. 

These things aren’t bad, and in many ways I’m thankful for them, because I view them as God’s protection over me. I stand before you today without many scars (physical and spiritual) that I could have easily brought on myself. Here’s my challenge though: I don’t remember what it was like to be dead in Christ. And because I don’t remember or feel that, I’m having the worst time trying to connect with that truth. I’m finally actually starting to come to grips with the fact that the word tells me that I wasn’t just floundering in the ocean, waving for help. No: I was helpless, therefore have no ownership of my rescue. Utterly, desperately helpless. I’d already drowned actually. Coded. And fully dependent on Someone else to breathe new life into me! Me. Lindy Glaser. The accomplished church kid...helpless in my sin and shame. My pride is doing its worst to keep me from admitting or seeing that, but in my spirit, I know it’s true.

As you can see, my trouble believing God includes even what He says about my sin and His righteousness. I have a really hard time *truly* grasping and owning that MY sin caused Christ’s suffering, and that I seriously deserve Hell. I mean….my sin may have required a little blood to atone for, but really? The life of Christ?! What?! Did we NOT just establish the fact that I'm actually a pretty dang good person?! (Is the pride killing you yet? Because it is me. And trust me, there's more where that came from…) But back to my confrontation with the harsh reality of how The Bible says I was DEAD in my sin as opposed to something like “In a bad way.” So…If I have a hard time seeing that I’m really that bad, it’s impossible for me to grasp that God is really that GOOD. It leads to self-effort, a heart chained in religion, and anxiety, exhaustion and depression. Because all of that happens when I realize I can’t control anything - even my standing before God - in spite of my best efforts. Why do I feel so compelled to control everything? Because I don’t trust God. Not really. Not to the deepest, most extreme way I’m meant to. I enjoy my false sense of control at the grave expense of intimacy with God….Because without trust, there can be no intimacy. And you have to believe somebody first to trust them.

Shoot dang. No wonder I’ve been so exhausted and no wonder God’s word for me this year is Rest. I’m not even totally sure what all of this means, and I’m not even sure where to go from here. But I feel like these are healthy and helpful realizations. Quite honestly, this entire blog post probably only makes sense to me. But that's okay. Because I know what I mean, and I feel like these ramblings and discoveries might be the U-Turn toward recovery of a religious heart.

I’m learning a new Mantra. Or determined to die trying to learn it anyways. One that goes more along the lines of this…..

So.

Hi, My name is Lindy. And I'm a recovering self-righteous, Pharisee. I've been my myself for a few minutes, so... It's been..... *sigh* about 1 hour since my last critical or judgmental thought,

1 hour down, forever to go.