I've heard it said that the closer you get to Christ, the more aware you become of your sin. I believe that's probably one of the most confusing and frustrating lessons I've learned in my life.
I am in a season of refinement and growth. I'm learning about myself, and who I really am, and more importantly who Christ is and who He says I am. It's a frustrating two-steps-forward-one-step-back process, but it's good and full of growth.
It's good because I am constantly seeing myself as I truly am and what I am actually up against... instead of my much more faltering self-image I have. While its good to have a better, clearer grip on reality, it's not easy. It's discouraging and frustrating.
It actually reminds me of my blackheads. So I have this cluster of black heads hanging around my nose. 3 of them are pretty noticeable, insisting on parking themselves on the end of my nose. Thank you very much. (If you've seen me without make up, and chances are you probably have at some point, you probably know what I'm talking about. They're bad.) They've been a problem since....well, about half my life, actually, despite my best efforts to finally rid myself of the little beads if nasty. It's gross really. I recently finally found a product that seems to actually work on them!!! You might not think of this as a miracle, but but I do! I was especially excited at first cause I saw the little evil dirt-devils shrink just hours after I first used it! I was so excited! I am still excited as I've continued to notice a definite shrinkage in size each time I use the mask! Hallelujah! But to my dismay, the cleansing process has revealed more than the 3 that I knew about, and had been there long enough I probably could have named them. But that would be an endearing thing, yeah? Wouldn't it? Eh, I digress. Anyways, instead of the 3, there were about 6. Maybe 7? Maybe 8? Okay, I was too depressed to actually count. Yep. I finally find something to help, and it does work, but in its cleansing work, I am also finally seeing the problem for what it truly is. It's good to know what I am dealing with, but frustrating to realize the struggle is worse than I realized.
This is exactly how I am feeling about my walk with Christ. I am growing closer to Him, He's teaching and discipling me in great ways. It's just not always pretty, cause in learning how to be like my Rabbi, I am first realizing how polar opposite we are, and how far I have to go before His good work will be complete!
But Jesus is so good at being gentle, patient, and persevering with me. He insist on showing me grace and changing me. And I insist on being hard to change and addicted to His grace. (They say opposites attract - we're quite the dynamic duo.) He loves me just as I am, but too much to leave me that way. Even when I perpetually struggle with the same things, He's always there. He's never angry, never weary of my rejection or selfishness. He's just....love. Unfailing, unadulterated, unrestricted, undaunted, unimaginable LOVE. And I don't deserve it. But I am thankful and committed to struggle the rest of my life to live out that love.
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